Separation anxiety at the school gate

The research and every infant teacher in the country agree on this one: children settle fastest when the goodbye is brief, predictable and final. Stretching it out just gives the upset more room to grow, and coming back after you've left teaches a very quick lesson, which is that crying brings Mammy back. Tomorrow then becomes a longer show.

A goodbye script that works

• Same short sentence, every single day: 'I'm going now. Nana's collecting you at ten to two. Have a good day.'
• One hug, one kiss, then hand over to a named adult, ideally the teacher or SNA at the door.
• Walk away. Keep walking. Even if you can hear them. Especially if you can hear them.
• Do not hover at the railings doing a slow-motion wave. They will spot you. They always spot you. 👀

About the crying

Just ask the school how long it lasted. Teachers are usually delighted to tell you, and plenty will fire you a quick message. The answer is very often two to five minutes, which is information that will change your entire day, because your calm is a big chunk of what your child is reading off you at that gate.

Things that help away from the gate

• Name the feeling without arguing with it: 'You didn't want me to go. That happens. And you went in, and you were grand by yard.'
• Be concrete about collection: who, and when, tied to something they recognise.
• Protect the morning. An awful lot of gate distress is really just rushed-morning distress arriving ten minutes late.
• Don't promise you'll stay, or that you'll be first at the door, unless it is genuinely true.

When to ask for more help

If it's still severe after about six weeks, if it's lasting most of the school day rather than minutes, or if it's turned into tummy aches, broken sleep or refusing to leave the house, ask the class teacher for a chat and mention it to your GP. Both are completely ordinary asks. Nobody will think you're being dramatic. 💛